wala ra

I am supposed to post here my farewell message for Noriel and Arianne Ross, but i just realized: why do i need to say my farewell for them when we will still see each other anyways?

Well, i haven't posted anything here for more than a month now. During those times, I was busy with some stuffs. During those times, I missed the both of them. Hahayz...how i wish all of us here in the student publication need not to leave once we get to enter its door.

But then again, perhaps that's just how life is. Nothing remains constant in this world--even the date changes and even time...even the earth revolves. So, CHANGE is just meant to happen.

Yes! I guess change is very constant, especially when we talk about time. Hahayz...I need to stop blogging now 'cause we are about to go and continue with our outreach program. I'll make another post later. Bye for now!

choked.

I admit that I made a mistake once, but don't I deserve a second chance?

What could be more hurtful than having parents who do not trust you? I mean, perhaps, they trust you in this and that but when you're already away from them, they keep on monitoring you. You have to tell them what's happening in your life every minute, every second. Even the smallest detail of your life, they must know. To some, this may sound sweet. To me, it's bugging. I'm choked, man! I feel so monitored. I feel so untrusted.

It's really painful to know the fact that though they have already forgiven me, they still don't trust me. Maybe, it's also my fault. I submitted into a lot of temptations before. I made stupid things that made their trust vanish. I mean, I can not really explain every detail of that stupid mistake I made. Let's just put it this way...I was a certified alcohol drinker, a smoker...before.

Behind my respectable and nice image in the present (aws..?) is a really dark past. It is real dark that I don't even wanna go back there, and I don't even wanna remember it.

I know I committed a mistake, but i think I deserve a second chance naman di ba? I feel bad whenever I think about it...whenever my parents would check on me. I feel bad whenever my mother would ask me if I've been drinking...if I've been smoking while I was away. I feel bad...in all those.

Because of the monitoring, I sometimes think, what if I drink and smoke real hard again? I mean, I don't wanna do it just for the sake of annoying or making my parents mad. Can you imagine how difficult it is to see a bottle of liquour, nor to see a person smoking? It's damn hard...really really hard. (It must be really stupid to hear this, but what can I do if this is what I feel.)

Sometimes, I see alcoholic drinks and I'm really tempted to try it again. But, I also ask myself, "Can I really handle it this time?", because if I can't, huwag na lang.

Sometimes, I'm also wishing....How I wish that I never committed the mistake before. How I wish that I never submitted to temptations. But then, what can I do? I can not turn back time and undone the wrong things that I've done.

But though I can't undone those things, I just hope that I can make my parents trust me again.

I'm tired.

I haven't finished anything these past few days. Really.
But I feel so tired.

I wake up in the morning thinking of doing this and that, but I end up in front of the television set or the portable DVD watching Naruto and other movies. I sit in front of the computer and open my unfinished 'business' to have it done, but I end up just staring at it without adding anything to it at all. I plan to go to a certain place to do or buy something, but I end up just walking and thinking without noticing that I already passed by the place or the store that I planned to go to.

Really, I am feeling so lost. I feel that something is missing, and I can't seem to find it. I don't even know what it is in the first place. Perhaps, this is insanity...(?). What ever this is, I will figure this one out. And I will find a way to get out of this feeling.

I don't have anyone to tell my feelings with. Everybody seems busy with something. My adopted child, Lea, already went home. My Ate Cathy, my cousin and room mate, whom I haven't talk to for about three days now is always out to comply her requirements in the finals. My friends and former classmates are also busy.

Anyways, even if I will share or tell this to them, I don't think they can help me.

Hayzz...I just wanna lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling all day. I feel soo drained, super drained. I feel so empty. I feel so useless. I feel so...I don't know!

Maybe, this is the effect of the medicines which I'm taking. Yeah, maybe. But I'm not so sure.

Whatever this is, I know I can win over this one.

Happy now.

You're such a big pain in the ass...but I'm glad I met you.

After such pag-eemote, we're friends again. I don't know I just can't take the wa'y tingganay scenes and the dedmahan effects. So that's it! We're friends again.

__________________________________________

Anyways another reason why I'm happy right now is I was able to gather a few information about my long lost 'secret' (no more to my friends) LOVE.

Just this weekend I went home. My sister and I had a quality time together. We talked about many things and that include things about our love life.

Speaking of love life, my sister told me that HE went home last September for his Mom's birthday. And because his parents and my parents are good friends (his papa and my mama were classmates back in high school), our whole family was invited. My sis told me that HE asked for my number. I was really very happy when my sister told me that. She even told me that HE texted me that night.

And that confused me. I did not receive any message from HIM.

She insisted that HE really texted me and that I did not reply. So, I insisted back saying that I really did not receive any message from HIM.

And so I just said, Okay na lang though it was not. Maybe, I erased his number. Yeah, maybe I erased it immediately because I have a habit of erasing messages coming from unknown numbers. Perhaps, I deleted His number. huhu..

Later I found out that my sister gave him a wrong phone number. Instead of 0919..., she gave HIM 0909.... Argh!

Anyways, that made me think that perhaps, we're not meant for each other. There are really a lot of factors that hamper our communication. huhu... But it's okay. Ika nga, "There's always light at the end of the tunnel." Yeah, maybe our roads will cross again one of these days.

Baka paglabas ko sa tunnel, there HE will be waiting for me..Aw? hehe... That's what I'm putting in my mind now, that's why I'm happy. But, of course, I'm not putting my hundred percent hope.

Hurt.

You think you're the only one hurting..? I, too, am hurting.
In fact, I'm more than hurting...I'm bleeding.

I may sound unfair to you, but you're the one who started it all--from the lying to the banging of the door. You may not know this, and I don't have any plans of telling you, but I cried that night.

Yes, I cried. I cried because I was hurt, and I cried because I was more than hurt.

When I came from school that night, I was just joking when I acted I was mad at you. I guess you already know that, because I even smiled at Gigi, one of our boardmates, before I went upstairs to go to my room.

When I went inside my room, I immediately hang the headset in my ears. I couldn't hear a thing...just the sound of the music that I was listening to. I know that you know me as the kind of person who loves music sooo much that I could listen to the same song even the whole day.

That night, later did I know from my cousin, who's also my room mate, that you looked for me. So, I made a way to talk to you. I went outside my room and approached you. You were watching T.V. that time. I said my sorry and even made lambing to you. Suddenly, It surprised me when you got mad. You immediately stood up and I acted as if you were done watching. So, I held your arm to stop you from walking away, but itinabig mo naman yung kamay ko.

Doon pa lang, I was already hurt. But I continued to make amends with you and to make it up to you. You continued to walk away. When we reached your room, I was about to enter, but you banged the door. I was about to cry, but I saw Gigi. She was studying, and so I sat there for a while and I acted as if I wasn't affected.

Later, my cousin and groggy Onin came. The three talked, so I decided to get out of the scene. I immediately went inside my room, put on my eye-cover, and silently cried.

After that, I realized something. That was not the first time that I cried for a friend, but I always see to it that a friend is worth the tears before I spill some for him or HER.

These past two days has been a very difficult for me. I am not the usual me. I feel sooo incomplete. I mean, I dunno how to explain this.

the situation now is different. Now, you're the one making the move, but I don't know why I still can't accept what happened. Maybe, this is because I'm being childish. I don't know. Or, maybe, it's because what happened is still fresh in my heart and my memory.

But, I admit that you're one of the few persons who cared to break the fence which I placed around me.

It has only been four months that we know each other, but I feel like we've known each other for a lifetime. We became so close that I don't know why whenever I'm with you, I'm being so talkative...super talkative. Just one look at each others eyes, and we already know what each other is thinking. We laugh at the top of our lungs over something that others would not find it so funny. With just a smile, we already understand how each other feels.

I'm a busy (Kunohay) type of a person; thus, I don't usually stay at the boarding house. Before, I just stay there to take a bath and sleep. When I wake up, I immediately eat and take a bath, and go to school. I don't even know some of my boardmates. I was not close to them because I was like a shadow that immediately disappears after the sun-down.

There you came and changed my usual life. You turned my once quiet life into a jungle where wild creatures reside. You changed me. You made me laugh over simple things. You made me smile.

Before, I don't know how to take things easy. Now, I know how to smile and laugh without worrying about anything at all. No matter how problematic I am, you're always making me feel light.

Though we're not in good terms right now, I still am thankful that we met. I'm glad that our roads crossed. I'm glad having catch a BIG fish in such a big ocean. And I'm happy that among the many fishes in the ocean, it was you whom I caught.

I love you, and I'm still your Mommy Nhadz, no matter what.

A glimpse of anime

The fever brought by the animes is indeed increasing. From mere one-year-old kids and teenagers to 30 and 50-year-olds and professionals, the fever can be felt.

Don't get surprised if I tell you that I'm one of the avid fans of these animated series. You can't blame me.

This may sound funny. Just weeks ago, one of the colleges in our university celebrated its Fun Day. The college had an anime party during their college night. Before their college night program started, my friends and I passed by the open court, the venue of the program. While we were passing, we saw that they painted some of the anime characters on a carton and placed them at their 'stage'.

We got so excited and happy to see some of our favorite anime characters. Well, nagpapicture mi eventhough the painting or drawig, if that's what you call it, were not really (sorry, just being honest) nice.

Here's some of our pictures taken that night.

(L-R) Roxanne, Sakura, Nadz, Mommy bea

Well, Sakura was there. Hekhek

Roroy, Roxanne, Cheeno, Naruto, arvin, Nadz, Mommy Bea

Who would not want to have a picture taken with Naruto? Hmm..? Anyone?
It doesn't totally look like him though.

Mommy Bea, Roxanne, Sasuke, Arvin, Nadz, Cheeno, Roroy

Sasuke-kun, also one of my favorites, looks soo hot and cool in any pictures.
______________________________________________________________

I'm not going to take back my words. That's my way of the ninja!

-Uzumaki Naruto
Naruto 2002

eXprEsSion

I write to tell.

I write to speak.

I write to express.

The hell, I just write what's on my heart and mind.

-Nadz

________________________________________________________

I'm sorry Mama. I love you. -Nadz

Just this morning, I passed by Mama's newly made and decorated Christmas Tree. Yes, Christmas Tree. I know that it's too early to have a Christmas Tree, but we already have one.

This is the only year where we will celebrate the spirit of Christmas early. And that newly made and decorated Christmas Tree is a sign of it. This coming Yuletide season will be one the happiest moments that our family will be celebrating after 10 long years. My father will, at last, celebrate Christmas with us. And I really feel happy and excited about it.

Anyways, why am I saying sorry to my Mama here is because...I dropped the Christmas Tree.


It fell. The decoration was ruined. And because I was in a hurry this morning, I wasn't able to say sorry to Mama, and i really feel bad about it. The sad part was, it happened in front of her. She saw how it fell to the floor.

It wasn't exactly broken or somethin'. But the fact that she already decorated it, that must've been frustrating in her part. huhu.

I'm so sorry Mama. Hope I can make it up to you.

Success

The grasses

They have grown

Dancing and jubilant.

-nAdz

Written above is a haiku, a form of Japanese poetry. I have learned about this in our two-day seminar titled "Our pen. Our life. Our sword." last September 20-21, 2009. I guess it's a good thing to blog out my learning in that seminar.

Anyways, i'll explain the haiku above.

In my almost three-year stay in The NORSUnian or TN, the institution which I have learned to love and cherish, I have noticed a lot of changes in me, in us. This is not a matter of 'pagbubuhat ng sariling bangko' but it is really true that a lot of things have changed in the publication...for good.

Not all Norsunians know that last year was one of the lowest points of TN. A lot of unexpected things happened. We were not able to publish for almost a semester. Some people, greedy as they are in nature, made ways to hamper the weekly publication of the paper. But, unfortunately for them and fortunately for us, they did not succeed.

Well, maybe they did. But it was just for a short span of time.

The battle which we thought has already ended, persisted. Just recently, TN faced another challenge. The people, who once hampered our weekly publication, struck again. And again, unfortunately for them and fortunately for us, they lost.

We know that they will continue to strike. And we, journalists as we are, will continue to fight for what we think is right. The publication which they once thought as an easy opponent will no longer allow them to stop it from voicing out what the students of this institution should know.

Though they have thrown us a lot problems last year, the people who once challenged us deserve a thank you. Yes, I think they deserve it. They taught us to fight fairly, though others do not. They taught us to stand up with what we think is right.

When they will strike again, that I don't know. But one thing is for sure, We will be ready for the next battle. We have learned our lesson, and we will not let them hamper us again.

We have won over them twice already. And we will not hesitate to do it for the third time...

and for the fourth...

for the fifth...

for the sixth...

until they totally vanish in our way.

Untitled sah ni...

I guess this is just me being selfish.

Yes, I know. We don’t own you. We don’t have the right to interfere in whatever decisions you have in life.

It’s just that things here will not be the same without you. It will never be the same.

I guess I was just choked by my expectations. I expected that you will stay longer. I expected and anticipated that you will stay until ‘it’ ends. And suddenly, you tell me (and some) that you….

Hayz… I can’t tell you how sad I am because of that decision you’ve made. But then again, I can’t tell you what I feel about it because you might change your mind. You might not pursue that decision. And I don’t want you to just stay because of us.

Of course, you know that I always want what’s best for you and for your happiness. And if you think that that decision will make you happy, then go! Find your happiness, for your happiness is also our happiness.

For now, this is what I can say. I have to keep my mouth shut.

That RAT!

The RAT

Argh....I hate her.

Yesterday, we had our College Fun Day. Oh, may i correct that? I guess I can call it College MISERY Day after that RAT ruined that supposed to be enjoyable day for us.

Well, well, well...who am I talking about here is our one-big-supportive department head. She and her husband, the f*cker-monster, ruined it all!

Wanna know why i call her the RAT? Well here's the story.

Just a while ago, Arianne and I went to a movie house. Before we went there, I bought me seven munchkins and softdrink which I placed just beside my seat. As we waited for the movie to start, we chatted about anything under the sun.

We were enjoying our conversation when a big rat passed by. Arianne told me that she even lifted her feet because she saw that it was too big. Funny...because as I turned to grab a munchkin, I was shocked to see that the plastic of munckins was moving.

The RAT took all my munchkins, leaving me with nothing but only the softdrink. She even took the plastic with her.

And so, that's it that's how I got the idea of calling our department head a RAT. Just like the rat, mudawat ra siya'g limpyo!

Music illiteracy

Have we really lost our knowledge in music?

Just this morning in my Humanities class, our professor invited a guest speaker. The guest speaker talked about music, music, and nothing but music. And as a music lover, of course, I got interested in the discussion.

But it wasn't really the topic that captured my interest; it was his introduction that hooked me. "We are now suffering from music illiteracy." That was what he said in our class. And that made me think...is the present generation really undergoing 'music illiteracy'?

In my Philosophy class, I have learned that there is only one concrete answer in every yes-or-no question. Obviously, it's either 'yes' or 'no'. But, I guess this one is an exception because honestly...

If we would really observe the music nowadays, we will notice that not all songs are worth listening for. No offense meant to some music fanatic out there. (Anyways, I guess no one will be offended 'cause I'm not stating any specific music genre here.)

I admit that I'm a certified music lover. But it doesn't mean that I appreciate any kind of music. I mean, it depends on the kind of music, and sometimes, it also depends on the accompanied lyrics.

Let me state this as an example. Just three weeks ago my brother sang this new song from a new group of rappers discovered through the internet via youtube.com. It was a really nice song; the kind of song which they call 'singable'. It has a pretty nice beat. As he was singing the song, my mother came in and heard him.

"Are you insulting your sisters?" That's what she said. And it made me think. No matter how beautiful the beat of the song is, one cannot fully appreciate it if its lyrics is not that nice. And, vice-versa.

And honestly, there are a lot of songs in the present that are of this kind.

Well, I just hope that no matter how long the time will change, we will not lose our knowledge in music and will continue to love it.

Missing You

"I miss you...to the point of death!"
-Hana Yori Dango's Gu Jun Pyo to Geum Jan Di

No matter how i try to forget you and totally erase you in my mind, your face and voice keep lingering on me.

I hate to say this but i really hate this feeling. I hate it because I always lose. I hate it because my brain can't win over my heart. I hate it because when it comes to this 'feeling' I'm a loser, and I think I'll always be.

Well, maybe this is what love is all about...LOSING. Perhaps, one day, i'll also win, and will totally forget my feelings for you. Perhaps....

How i wish we were Geum Jan Di and Gu Jun Pyo. We would've had a happy ending despite the challenges and hindrances. Both of us would've won. But then, we're not them. We're different persons, and we have a different story.




Well, if i'll summarize this write-up, isa lang naman ang gustong tumbukin nito, e.

One thing: I MISS YOU... (And just like Gu Jun Pyo) TO THE POINT OF DEATH!

Where are you Ma'am Cabanban?

Where in the world is Ma'am Cabanban?

Huhu...I don't like what's happening in my Humanities141 subject. During the first, second, third, fourth and fifth meetings in this class, it was Ma'am Cabanban who was teaching us.

Just this morning, Ma'am Cabanban did not show up. It was already 9:24 so my classmates started going out of our classroom. Supposedly, our class started at 8 o'clock in the morning. But Mich, my classmate in this subject, and I just stayed there because we were waiting for her friend who also have a class in the next room.

While we were waiting, Sir Elmido showed up and told us that he will be teaching the subject from now on for whatever reason. And I don't like him.

Well, it's not that i like Ma'am Cabanban. Forgive me, but she is sooo boring when teaching. You know what I did when I was having a class with her? I just counted the number of times that she uttered the word 'etcetera'. Sometimes, Mich and I were talking secretly because if we will not talk to each other, for sure, we would end up sleeping!

Anyway, the reason that I don't want Sir Elmido to handle this subject is because I was once under his class. The subject was Sociology. And would you believe it? He did not submit our grades at the Registrar's Office, not even at Dean's Office nor at the SocScie Department's Office. So, I was forced to retake the subject and pay 600 pesos in order for me to enroll.

That's the reason why I don't want him to teach Humanities. I want Ma'am Cabanban...

Hayz...but I don't think that Ma'am Cabanban will still be our teacher.huhu. Well, wherever she is right now, I just hope that she's fine.

Goodbye Cabanban! Hello Emido! Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!!! Hate it!

What will I write?

Yah! What will I write? What exactly will I write?

Well, to tell you honestly...I DON"T KNOW. hehe. It's just that I want to make a new post for my blog. Anyway, I have to write more so that this post will be longer. hehe. But I am not in the mood of writing. So, i will just finish or post again later.

It's nice to hear from you

I don't know why i feel so alive whenever i read your mails. Whenever i read them, it's as if we are not just mailing each other. It seems as if i talk to you in person.

February 4, 2009 marked the day when we first gained communication after several years of not hearing from each other. Somehow, I felt the awkwardness in the first week of exchanging mails with you but as we continue to do so, the said feeling slowly vanished...and was replaced with excitement and happiness.

We are getting along well. And honestly, i don't know where this will bring us...I'm not expecting nor hoping anything though. I am happy as to where our relationship is right now.

I just hope that no matter what happens, we'd still be friends and I mean not just friends...but best of friends. Wherever you are right now, I just want you to know that I reserve a special place for you in my heart. I just hope that you are doing the same thing.

i miss my dating kakosas

i miss you guys....

That's the only thing that i feel right now. Ahh...i miss my friends...my friends who used to care for me...my friemds who always asked me "Kakaon ka na, Nadz?" whenever its lunch nor dinner time...my friends who always cared for me when i was always sick...my friends who used to lend me money in times of poorness.

I can still remember the times when we used to borrow money from each other in order for us to survive coz there were times when our allowances were delayed. I also remember when we went to our 'Kusina' (Fudnet) spending only Php20.00 per meal. Haha! T'was really funny coz most people would think of it as a place where class people would eat and would not expect that one can already eat there having Php20.00 only in there pockets (may libre pa nga sabaw!hehe).

Ah, well...that was only three months ago. But i don't feel sad coz i still have a lot of friends left here and i don't feel that i totally lost them coz somehow i know that whenever i need them (and vice versa) they're just a text away.

Perhaps, in their busy lives, they also feel the same.

i'm back, i'm sooo back!

It’s been over five months now since I last created a post in this account. I promised myself not to write anything unless the summer vacation is over. And now that summer’s over, here comes my first post for this school year…haha! So guys, be ready coz from now on, I promise to be active on this site!

Uh-huh. You’ve read it write. I will be active on this site no matter what(Hehe). Well, unlike before when i wasn't that active(FYI, i just made this account because we were obliged to make one for the student pub), i will try my best to publish posts from time to time from now on.

So good luck to me!weehh...