Monday, September 29, 2008

I think I just lost a friend…

“I really feel bad right now but I don’t care. I know that all of these will just pass.”

Never in my entire life have I confronted a friend. That was the first time that I did that. That was the first time that I told a person—in front of his face—that I hated him! And believe me, it was not that easy.

You know this feeling of hating somebody? As in, hating him that you don’t want to even talk to him or just be near him, or even look at him? I have experienced that, to him! Well, maybe my reasons were too shallow for him. Maybe, he found me too sensitive, too emotional and over reacting that I considered those little things as big as the mountains.

The hell I care! What can I do if that was what I felt during those times? I mean, he can’t blame me for being too emotional and OA—to the max! That’s me. That’s just my nature. And I will never be me if not for the personality that I have right now.

I’m not saying that I was or am right. It’s just that I wanted to give him my side. I wanted to make things clear for the both of us. I wanted to let him know how I felt during those times, and I accept that I was not right all the time. I accept that I also committed mistakes. That’s why I said “I’m sorry” to him.

I did not say those words just to make things light for the both of us. I said “I’m sorry” because I was really sorry. I know, I was being selfish thinking about ‘my’ feelings only. I did not put into consideration other people’s feelings. Perhaps, my classmates’, my friends’ and also his feelings…and I’m sorry for that.

Actually, I was not able to tell him everything. I did not have the chance to tell him other things that made me hate him. Honestly, I don’t want to tell him anymore. What’s done is done! I just have to burry everything. I just have to forget about it—forget about the hatred that I had for him.

It was just too hurtful when he said “You were like a sister to me”. That was really an ‘Ouch!’ I didn’t expect that. It hurts to lose a friend, especially if you once considered that friend as one of the bestest. And I accept that I once considered him as one of ‘em. I even promised him that I will try my best to be worthy of his friendship. But see what happened? It turned out a failure! I was not able to prove him that….

Well, there’s nothing to prove anymore. And I’m sorry for not sticking to my promise. As expected, that promise would be broken. And it just did.

I don’t expect that everything will be back to normal after that. Honestly, I don’t want it to go back to normal. I intend to close my door—even my windows—to him or to anyone who intends to break in and wants to get my friendship. It’s not that I still hate him. It’s just that nothing can ever get that back! And my decision is final!

I know that from the time I said “Please, leave…” that was the end of it. I’m not saying that I will snob him or something. It’s just that I don’t want the friendship that we had before… I don’t want it back. I’m sorry to say this but I think I like what I am feeling right now.

And let it be this way….

Sunday, September 28, 2008

What is wrong with me?

I’m really annoyed of my self right now.

I’m procrastinating.

I haven’t finished anything but then I have been feeling so exhausted.

I am tired of doing the things that I usually do.

I am missing my family so much!

I don’t want to go out with my classmates but I miss them.

I just want to sleep all day but I’m not doing it.

I can’t sleep because when I am about to close my eyes, lots of things are starting to get into my mind.

I hate this person but don’t have the guts to confront him.

I hate him but I don’t have the guts to show him the intensity of my abhorrence.

I can’t control my temper anymore.

I’m becoming so impatient.

I’m starting to be showy when it comes to my emotion.

I think I don’t know myself anymore.

I am starting to be back to my old self.

I am doing what I know is wrong.

I just can’t control myself from doing evil things.

I am prone to temptations right now.

I really need God in my life.

I really need His guidance and supervision right now.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I just don’t know what to prioritize.

I don’t even know if I still have my priorities.

I don’t even know why I’m doing this.

I don’t know…

I really don’t know.

I think I need a break….

I think I need a rest….

I think I need a nap….

I think I need a….

I think I need….

I think I….

I think….