choked.

I admit that I made a mistake once, but don't I deserve a second chance?

What could be more hurtful than having parents who do not trust you? I mean, perhaps, they trust you in this and that but when you're already away from them, they keep on monitoring you. You have to tell them what's happening in your life every minute, every second. Even the smallest detail of your life, they must know. To some, this may sound sweet. To me, it's bugging. I'm choked, man! I feel so monitored. I feel so untrusted.

It's really painful to know the fact that though they have already forgiven me, they still don't trust me. Maybe, it's also my fault. I submitted into a lot of temptations before. I made stupid things that made their trust vanish. I mean, I can not really explain every detail of that stupid mistake I made. Let's just put it this way...I was a certified alcohol drinker, a smoker...before.

Behind my respectable and nice image in the present (aws..?) is a really dark past. It is real dark that I don't even wanna go back there, and I don't even wanna remember it.

I know I committed a mistake, but i think I deserve a second chance naman di ba? I feel bad whenever I think about it...whenever my parents would check on me. I feel bad whenever my mother would ask me if I've been drinking...if I've been smoking while I was away. I feel bad...in all those.

Because of the monitoring, I sometimes think, what if I drink and smoke real hard again? I mean, I don't wanna do it just for the sake of annoying or making my parents mad. Can you imagine how difficult it is to see a bottle of liquour, nor to see a person smoking? It's damn hard...really really hard. (It must be really stupid to hear this, but what can I do if this is what I feel.)

Sometimes, I see alcoholic drinks and I'm really tempted to try it again. But, I also ask myself, "Can I really handle it this time?", because if I can't, huwag na lang.

Sometimes, I'm also wishing....How I wish that I never committed the mistake before. How I wish that I never submitted to temptations. But then, what can I do? I can not turn back time and undone the wrong things that I've done.

But though I can't undone those things, I just hope that I can make my parents trust me again.

I'm tired.

I haven't finished anything these past few days. Really.
But I feel so tired.

I wake up in the morning thinking of doing this and that, but I end up in front of the television set or the portable DVD watching Naruto and other movies. I sit in front of the computer and open my unfinished 'business' to have it done, but I end up just staring at it without adding anything to it at all. I plan to go to a certain place to do or buy something, but I end up just walking and thinking without noticing that I already passed by the place or the store that I planned to go to.

Really, I am feeling so lost. I feel that something is missing, and I can't seem to find it. I don't even know what it is in the first place. Perhaps, this is insanity...(?). What ever this is, I will figure this one out. And I will find a way to get out of this feeling.

I don't have anyone to tell my feelings with. Everybody seems busy with something. My adopted child, Lea, already went home. My Ate Cathy, my cousin and room mate, whom I haven't talk to for about three days now is always out to comply her requirements in the finals. My friends and former classmates are also busy.

Anyways, even if I will share or tell this to them, I don't think they can help me.

Hayzz...I just wanna lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling all day. I feel soo drained, super drained. I feel so empty. I feel so useless. I feel so...I don't know!

Maybe, this is the effect of the medicines which I'm taking. Yeah, maybe. But I'm not so sure.

Whatever this is, I know I can win over this one.

Happy now.

You're such a big pain in the ass...but I'm glad I met you.

After such pag-eemote, we're friends again. I don't know I just can't take the wa'y tingganay scenes and the dedmahan effects. So that's it! We're friends again.

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Anyways another reason why I'm happy right now is I was able to gather a few information about my long lost 'secret' (no more to my friends) LOVE.

Just this weekend I went home. My sister and I had a quality time together. We talked about many things and that include things about our love life.

Speaking of love life, my sister told me that HE went home last September for his Mom's birthday. And because his parents and my parents are good friends (his papa and my mama were classmates back in high school), our whole family was invited. My sis told me that HE asked for my number. I was really very happy when my sister told me that. She even told me that HE texted me that night.

And that confused me. I did not receive any message from HIM.

She insisted that HE really texted me and that I did not reply. So, I insisted back saying that I really did not receive any message from HIM.

And so I just said, Okay na lang though it was not. Maybe, I erased his number. Yeah, maybe I erased it immediately because I have a habit of erasing messages coming from unknown numbers. Perhaps, I deleted His number. huhu..

Later I found out that my sister gave him a wrong phone number. Instead of 0919..., she gave HIM 0909.... Argh!

Anyways, that made me think that perhaps, we're not meant for each other. There are really a lot of factors that hamper our communication. huhu... But it's okay. Ika nga, "There's always light at the end of the tunnel." Yeah, maybe our roads will cross again one of these days.

Baka paglabas ko sa tunnel, there HE will be waiting for me..Aw? hehe... That's what I'm putting in my mind now, that's why I'm happy. But, of course, I'm not putting my hundred percent hope.

Hurt.

You think you're the only one hurting..? I, too, am hurting.
In fact, I'm more than hurting...I'm bleeding.

I may sound unfair to you, but you're the one who started it all--from the lying to the banging of the door. You may not know this, and I don't have any plans of telling you, but I cried that night.

Yes, I cried. I cried because I was hurt, and I cried because I was more than hurt.

When I came from school that night, I was just joking when I acted I was mad at you. I guess you already know that, because I even smiled at Gigi, one of our boardmates, before I went upstairs to go to my room.

When I went inside my room, I immediately hang the headset in my ears. I couldn't hear a thing...just the sound of the music that I was listening to. I know that you know me as the kind of person who loves music sooo much that I could listen to the same song even the whole day.

That night, later did I know from my cousin, who's also my room mate, that you looked for me. So, I made a way to talk to you. I went outside my room and approached you. You were watching T.V. that time. I said my sorry and even made lambing to you. Suddenly, It surprised me when you got mad. You immediately stood up and I acted as if you were done watching. So, I held your arm to stop you from walking away, but itinabig mo naman yung kamay ko.

Doon pa lang, I was already hurt. But I continued to make amends with you and to make it up to you. You continued to walk away. When we reached your room, I was about to enter, but you banged the door. I was about to cry, but I saw Gigi. She was studying, and so I sat there for a while and I acted as if I wasn't affected.

Later, my cousin and groggy Onin came. The three talked, so I decided to get out of the scene. I immediately went inside my room, put on my eye-cover, and silently cried.

After that, I realized something. That was not the first time that I cried for a friend, but I always see to it that a friend is worth the tears before I spill some for him or HER.

These past two days has been a very difficult for me. I am not the usual me. I feel sooo incomplete. I mean, I dunno how to explain this.

the situation now is different. Now, you're the one making the move, but I don't know why I still can't accept what happened. Maybe, this is because I'm being childish. I don't know. Or, maybe, it's because what happened is still fresh in my heart and my memory.

But, I admit that you're one of the few persons who cared to break the fence which I placed around me.

It has only been four months that we know each other, but I feel like we've known each other for a lifetime. We became so close that I don't know why whenever I'm with you, I'm being so talkative...super talkative. Just one look at each others eyes, and we already know what each other is thinking. We laugh at the top of our lungs over something that others would not find it so funny. With just a smile, we already understand how each other feels.

I'm a busy (Kunohay) type of a person; thus, I don't usually stay at the boarding house. Before, I just stay there to take a bath and sleep. When I wake up, I immediately eat and take a bath, and go to school. I don't even know some of my boardmates. I was not close to them because I was like a shadow that immediately disappears after the sun-down.

There you came and changed my usual life. You turned my once quiet life into a jungle where wild creatures reside. You changed me. You made me laugh over simple things. You made me smile.

Before, I don't know how to take things easy. Now, I know how to smile and laugh without worrying about anything at all. No matter how problematic I am, you're always making me feel light.

Though we're not in good terms right now, I still am thankful that we met. I'm glad that our roads crossed. I'm glad having catch a BIG fish in such a big ocean. And I'm happy that among the many fishes in the ocean, it was you whom I caught.

I love you, and I'm still your Mommy Nhadz, no matter what.

A glimpse of anime

The fever brought by the animes is indeed increasing. From mere one-year-old kids and teenagers to 30 and 50-year-olds and professionals, the fever can be felt.

Don't get surprised if I tell you that I'm one of the avid fans of these animated series. You can't blame me.

This may sound funny. Just weeks ago, one of the colleges in our university celebrated its Fun Day. The college had an anime party during their college night. Before their college night program started, my friends and I passed by the open court, the venue of the program. While we were passing, we saw that they painted some of the anime characters on a carton and placed them at their 'stage'.

We got so excited and happy to see some of our favorite anime characters. Well, nagpapicture mi eventhough the painting or drawig, if that's what you call it, were not really (sorry, just being honest) nice.

Here's some of our pictures taken that night.

(L-R) Roxanne, Sakura, Nadz, Mommy bea

Well, Sakura was there. Hekhek

Roroy, Roxanne, Cheeno, Naruto, arvin, Nadz, Mommy Bea

Who would not want to have a picture taken with Naruto? Hmm..? Anyone?
It doesn't totally look like him though.

Mommy Bea, Roxanne, Sasuke, Arvin, Nadz, Cheeno, Roroy

Sasuke-kun, also one of my favorites, looks soo hot and cool in any pictures.
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I'm not going to take back my words. That's my way of the ninja!

-Uzumaki Naruto
Naruto 2002