a bestfriend in love

Lucky

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Oooohhhhoohhhhohhooohhooohhooohoooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music, feel the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Hayzzz… this song… it reminds me of someone whom I have been secretly loving for almost five years now, my best friend.

Years have passed and yet his memories remain in my heart. I don’t know why. You see, he’s the only person I have ever loved (aside from my family and friends of course!) and I doubt if I can ever erase him in my heart and replace him. How I wish I could do that. How I wish that replacing him would be as easy as erasing writings on a black board. How I wish….

But it’s not as easy as that. Forgetting him, nor replacing, has become a struggle for me. A lot of times, I forced myself to forget him and totally erase him in my mind…but I always fail!

Until now, he’s still the one….

And until now, he still doesn’t know how I feel towards him….

I don’t have any plans of telling him either. What for? I survived without telling him before. How much more now that he’s leaving for states...?

Just a song...

Knocking On Heavens’ Door

Avril Lavigne

Oooh Oooh Oooh

Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah...

Mama take this badge off me,
I can't use it anymore,
It's getting dark, too dark to see,
Feels like I'm knockin' on heavens' door,

Knock knock knocking on heavens' door,
Knock knock knocking on heavens' door,
Knock knock knocking on heavens' door,
Knock knock knocking on heavens' door,

Mama put my guns in the ground,
I can't shoot them anymore,
That long black cloud is coming down,
Feels like I'm knockin' on heavens' door,

Knock knock knocking on heavens' door,
Knock knock knocking on heavens' door,
Knock knock knocking on heavens' door, yeah, yeah
Knock knock knocking on heavens' door,

Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah...

I think I just lost a friend…

“I really feel bad right now but I don’t care. I know that all of these will just pass.”

Never in my entire life have I confronted a friend. That was the first time that I did that. That was the first time that I told a person—in front of his face—that I hated him! And believe me, it was not that easy.

You know this feeling of hating somebody? As in, hating him that you don’t want to even talk to him or just be near him, or even look at him? I have experienced that, to him! Well, maybe my reasons were too shallow for him. Maybe, he found me too sensitive, too emotional and over reacting that I considered those little things as big as the mountains.

The hell I care! What can I do if that was what I felt during those times? I mean, he can’t blame me for being too emotional and OA—to the max! That’s me. That’s just my nature. And I will never be me if not for the personality that I have right now.

I’m not saying that I was or am right. It’s just that I wanted to give him my side. I wanted to make things clear for the both of us. I wanted to let him know how I felt during those times, and I accept that I was not right all the time. I accept that I also committed mistakes. That’s why I said “I’m sorry” to him.

I did not say those words just to make things light for the both of us. I said “I’m sorry” because I was really sorry. I know, I was being selfish thinking about ‘my’ feelings only. I did not put into consideration other people’s feelings. Perhaps, my classmates’, my friends’ and also his feelings…and I’m sorry for that.

Actually, I was not able to tell him everything. I did not have the chance to tell him other things that made me hate him. Honestly, I don’t want to tell him anymore. What’s done is done! I just have to burry everything. I just have to forget about it—forget about the hatred that I had for him.

It was just too hurtful when he said “You were like a sister to me”. That was really an ‘Ouch!’ I didn’t expect that. It hurts to lose a friend, especially if you once considered that friend as one of the bestest. And I accept that I once considered him as one of ‘em. I even promised him that I will try my best to be worthy of his friendship. But see what happened? It turned out a failure! I was not able to prove him that….

Well, there’s nothing to prove anymore. And I’m sorry for not sticking to my promise. As expected, that promise would be broken. And it just did.

I don’t expect that everything will be back to normal after that. Honestly, I don’t want it to go back to normal. I intend to close my door—even my windows—to him or to anyone who intends to break in and wants to get my friendship. It’s not that I still hate him. It’s just that nothing can ever get that back! And my decision is final!

I know that from the time I said “Please, leave…” that was the end of it. I’m not saying that I will snob him or something. It’s just that I don’t want the friendship that we had before… I don’t want it back. I’m sorry to say this but I think I like what I am feeling right now.

And let it be this way….

What is wrong with me?

I’m really annoyed of my self right now.

I’m procrastinating.

I haven’t finished anything but then I have been feeling so exhausted.

I am tired of doing the things that I usually do.

I am missing my family so much!

I don’t want to go out with my classmates but I miss them.

I just want to sleep all day but I’m not doing it.

I can’t sleep because when I am about to close my eyes, lots of things are starting to get into my mind.

I hate this person but don’t have the guts to confront him.

I hate him but I don’t have the guts to show him the intensity of my abhorrence.

I can’t control my temper anymore.

I’m becoming so impatient.

I’m starting to be showy when it comes to my emotion.

I think I don’t know myself anymore.

I am starting to be back to my old self.

I am doing what I know is wrong.

I just can’t control myself from doing evil things.

I am prone to temptations right now.

I really need God in my life.

I really need His guidance and supervision right now.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I just don’t know what to prioritize.

I don’t even know if I still have my priorities.

I don’t even know why I’m doing this.

I don’t know…

I really don’t know.

I think I need a break….

I think I need a rest….

I think I need a nap….

I think I need a….

I think I need….

I think I….

I think….

I….

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz…