journal001

Point of information

2010-10-13T04:59:00.000-07:00

Never in my entire life have i imagined that i would enjoy such an activity; i just found out that somehow in my whole being i have longed to witness something like that from the very beginning to the very end. How I love to witness another British parliamentary debate!

I had a lot of fun witnessing the first ever Inter-collegiate British Parliamentary Debate in Negros Oriental State University last Monday and Tuesday. It was very enjoyable to watch some students as the scribble through their paper and write any point of information that would contradict to the ideas of their competitors.

Hayz.. i totally loved the exchange of ideas...and most especially, he heated conversation between the two teams--the government and the opposition. "Sit down", "Later!", and "Later, please!" were just some of the words that the speaker said to their opponents whenever the latter would raise their hand and stand up just to point out an information on what they think is to be contradicted in the speaker's words.

I would love to witness another debate competition. it so totally awakens the excitement in me. Point of information: I hope another debate competition will soon follow, so I can satisfy my need to witness another one.

Scent of Apples

2010-09-30T02:45:00.001-07:00

By Bienvenido N. Santos

When I arrived in Kalamazoo it was October and the war was still on. Gold and silver stars hung on pennants above silent windows of white and brick-red cottages. In a backyard an old man burned leaves and twigs while a gray-haired woman sat on the porch, her red hands quiet on her lap, watching the smoke rising above the elms, both of them thinking the same thought perhaps, about a tall, grinning boy with his blue eyes and flying hair, who went out to war: where could he be now this month when leaves were turning into gold and the fragrance of gathered apples was in the wind?
It was a cold night when I left my room at the hotel for a usual speaking engagement. I walked but a little way. A heavy wind coming up from Lake Michigan was icy on the face. If felt like winter straying early in the northern woodlands. Under the lampposts the leaves shone like bronze. And they rolled on the pavements like the ghost feet of a thousand autumns long dead, long before the boys left for faraway lands without great icy winds and promise of winter early in the air, lands without apple trees, the singing and the gold!
It was the same night I met Celestino Fabia, "just a Filipino farmer" as he called himself, who had a farm about thirty miles east of Kalamazoo.
"You came all that way on a night like this just to hear me talk?"
"I've seen no Filipino for so many years now," he answered quickly. "So when I saw your name in the papers where it says you come from the Islands and that you're going to talk, I come right away."
Earlier that night I had addressed a college crowd, mostly women. It appeared they wanted me to talk about my country, they wanted me to tell them things about it because my country had become a lost country. Everywhere in the land the enemy stalked. Over it a great silence hung, and their boys were there, unheard from, or they were on their way to some little known island on the Pacific, young boys all, hardly men, thinking of harvest moons and the smell of forest fire.
It was not hard talking about our own people. I knew them well and I loved them. And they seemed so far away during those terrible years that I must have spoken of them with a little fervor, a little nostalgia.
In the open forum that followed, the audience wanted to know whether there was much difference between our women and the American women. I tried to answer the question as best I could, saying, among other things, that I did not know that much about American women, except that they looked friendly, but differences or similarities in inner qualities such as naturally belonged to the heart or to the mind, I could only speak about with vagueness.
While I was trying to explain away the fact that it was not easy to make comparisons, a man rose from the rear of the hall, wanting to say something. In the distance, he looked slight and old and very brown. Even before he spoke, I knew that he was, like me, a Filipino.
"I'm a Filipino," he began, loud and clear, in a voice that seemed used to wide open spaces, "I'm just a Filipino farmer out in the country." He waved his hand toward the door. "I left the Philippines more than twenty years ago and have never been back. Never will perhaps. I want to find out, sir, are our Filipino women the same like they were twenty years ago?"
As he sat down, the hall filled with voices, hushed and intrigued. I weighed my answer carefully. I did not want to tell a lie yet I did not want to say anything that would seem platitudinous, insincere. But more important than these considerations, it seemed to me that moment as I looked towards my countryman, I must give him an answer that would not make him so unhappy. Surely, all these years, he must have held on to certain ideals, certain beliefs, even illusions peculiar to the exile.
"First," I said as the voices gradually died down and every eye seemed upon me, "First, tell me what our women were like twenty years ago."
The man stood to answer. "Yes," he said, "you're too young . . . Twenty years ago our women were nice, they were modest, they wore their hair long, they dressed proper and went for no monkey business. They were natural, they went to church regular, and they were faithful." He had spoken slowly, and now in what seemed like an afterthought, added, "It's the men who ain't."
Now I knew what I was going to say.
"Well," I began, "it will interest you to know that our women have changed--but definitely! The change, however, has been on the outside only. Inside, here," pointing to the heart, "they are the same as they were twenty years ago. God-fearing, faithful, modest, and nice."
The man was visibly moved. "I'm very happy, sir," he said, in the manner of one who, having stakes on the land, had found no cause to regret one's sentimental investment.
After this, everything that was said and done in that hall that night seemed like an anti-climax, and later, as we walked outside, he gave me his name and told me of his farm thirty miles east of the city.
We had stopped at the main entrance to the hotel lobby. We had not talked very much on the way. As a matter of fact, we were never alone. Kindly American friends talked to us, asked us questions, said goodnight. So now I asked him whether he cared to step into the lobby with me and talk.
"No, thank you," he said, "you are tired. And I don't want to stay out too late."
"Yes, you live very far."
"I got a car," he said, "besides . . . "
Now he smiled, he truly smiled. All night I had been watching his face and I wondered when he was going to smile.
"Will you do me a favor, please," he continued smiling almost sweetly. "I want you to have dinner with my family out in the country. I'd call for you tomorrow afternoon, then drive you back. Will that be alright?"
"Of course," I said. "I'd love to meet your family." I was leaving Kalamazoo for Muncie, Indiana, in two days. There was plenty of time.
"You will make my wife very happy," he said.
"You flatter me."
"Honest. She'll be very happy. Ruth is a country girl and hasn't met many Filipinos. I mean Filipinos younger than I, cleaner looking. We're just poor farmer folk, you know, and we don't get to town very often. Roger, that's my boy, he goes to school in town. A bus takes him early in the morning and he's back in the afternoon. He's nice boy."
"I bet he is," I agreed. "I've seen the children of some of the boys by their American wives and the boys are tall, taller than their father, and very good looking."
"Roger, he'd be tall. You'll like him."
Then he said goodbye and I waved to him as he disappeared in the darkness.
The next day he came, at about three in the afternoon. There was a mild, ineffectual sun shining, and it was not too cold. He was wearing an old brown tweed jacket and worsted trousers to match. His shoes were polished, and although the green of his tie seemed faded, a colored shirt hardly accentuated it. He looked younger than he appeared the night before now that he was clean shaven and seemed ready to go to a party. He was grinning as we met.
"Oh, Ruth can't believe it," he kept repeating as he led me to his car--a nondescript thing in faded black that had known better days and many hands. "I says to her, I'm bringing you a first class Filipino, and she says, aw, go away, quit kidding, there's no such thing as first class Filipino. But Roger, that's my boy, he believed me immediately. What's he like, daddy, he asks. Oh, you will see, I says, he's first class. Like you daddy? No, no, I laugh at him, your daddy ain't first class. Aw, but you are, daddy, he says. So you can see what a nice boy he is, so innocent. Then Ruth starts griping about the house, but the house is a mess, she says. True it's a mess, it's always a mess, but you don't mind, do you? We're poor folks, you know.
The trip seemed interminable. We passed through narrow lanes and disappeared into thickets, and came out on barren land overgrown with weeds in places. All around were dead leaves and dry earth. In the distance were apple trees.
"Aren't those apple trees?" I asked wanting to be sure.
"Yes, those are apple trees," he replied. "Do you like apples? I got lots of 'em. I got an apple orchard, I'll show you."
All the beauty of the afternoon seemed in the distance, on the hills, in the dull soft sky.
"Those trees are beautiful on the hills," I said.
"Autumn's a lovely season. The trees are getting ready to die, and they show their colors, proud-like."
"No such thing in our own country," I said.
That remark seemed unkind, I realized later. It touched him off on a long deserted tangent, but ever there perhaps. How many times did lonely mind take unpleasant detours away from the familiar winding lanes towards home for fear of this, the remembered hurt, the long lost youth, the grim shadows of the years; how many times indeed, only the exile knows.
It was a rugged road we were traveling and the car made so much noise that I could not hear everything he said, but I understood him. He was telling his story for the first time in many years. He was remembering his own youth. He was thinking of home. In these odd moments there seemed no cause for fear no cause at all, no pain. That would come later. In the night perhaps. Or lonely on the farm under the apple trees.
In this old Visayan town, the streets are narrow and dirty and strewn with coral shells. You have been there? You could not have missed our house, it was the biggest in town, one of the oldest, ours was a big family. The house stood right on the edge of the street. A door opened heavily and you enter a dark hall leading to the stairs. There is the smell of chickens roosting on the low-topped walls, there is the familiar sound they make and you grope your way up a massive staircase, the bannisters smooth upon the trembling hand. Such nights, they are no better than the days, windows are closed against the sun; they close heavily.
Mother sits in her corner looking very white and sick. This was her world, her domain. In all these years, I cannot remember the sound of her voice. Father was different. He moved about. He shouted. He ranted. He lived in the past and talked of honor as though it were the only thing.
I was born in that house. I grew up there into a pampered brat. I was mean. One day I broke their hearts. I saw mother cry wordlessly as father heaped his curses upon me and drove me out of the house, the gate closing heavily after me. And my brothers and sisters took up my father's hate for me and multiplied it numberless times in their own broken hearts. I was no good.
But sometimes, you know, I miss that house, the roosting chickens on the low-topped walls. I miss my brothers and sisters, Mother sitting in her chair, looking like a pale ghost in a corner of the room. I would remember the great live posts, massive tree trunks from the forests. Leafy plants grew on the sides, buds pointing downwards, wilted and died before they could become flowers. As they fell on the floor, father bent to pick them and throw them out into the coral streets. His hands were strong. I have kissed these hands . . . many times, many times.
Finally we rounded a deep curve and suddenly came upon a shanty, all but ready to crumble in a heap on the ground, its plastered walls were rotting away, the floor was hardly a foot from the ground. I thought of the cottages of the poor colored folk in the south, the hovels of the poor everywhere in the land. This one stood all by itself as though by common consent all the folk that used to live here had decided to say away, despising it, ashamed of it. Even the lovely season could not color it with beauty.
A dog barked loudly as we approached. A fat blonde woman stood at the door with a little boy by her side. Roger seemed newly scrubbed. He hardly took his eyes off me. Ruth had a clean apron around her shapeless waist. Now as she shook my hands in sincere delight I noticed shamefacedly (that I should notice) how rough her hands were, how coarse and red with labor, how ugly! She was no longer young and her smile was pathetic.
As we stepped inside and the door closed behind us, immediately I was aware of the familiar scent of apples. The room was bare except for a few ancient pieces of second-hand furniture. In the middle of the room stood a stove to keep the family warm in winter. The walls were bare. Over the dining table hung a lamp yet unlighted.
Ruth got busy with the drinks. She kept coming in and out of a rear room that must have been the kitchen and soon the table was heavy with food, fried chicken legs and rice, and green peas and corn on the ear. Even as we ate, Ruth kept standing, and going to the kitchen for more food. Roger ate like a little gentleman.
"Isn't he nice looking?" his father asked.
"You are a handsome boy, Roger," I said.
The boy smiled at me. You look like Daddy," he said.
Afterwards I noticed an old picture leaning on the top of a dresser and stood to pick it up. It was yellow and soiled with many fingerings. The faded figure of a woman in Philippine dress could yet be distinguished although the face had become a blur.
"Your . . . " I began.
"I don't know who she is," Fabia hastened to say. "I picked that picture many years ago in a room on La Salle street in Chicago. I have often wondered who she is."
"The face wasn't a blur in the beginning?"
"Oh, no. It was a young face and good."
Ruth came with a plate full of apples.
"Ah," I cried, picking out a ripe one. "I've been thinking where all the scent of apples came from. The room is full of it."
"I'll show you," said Fabia.
He showed me a backroom, not very big. It was half-full of apples.
"Every day," he explained, "I take some of them to town to sell to the groceries. Prices have been low. I've been losing on the trips."
"These apples will spoil," I said.
"We'll feed them to the pigs."
Then he showed me around the farm. It was twilight now and the apple trees stood bare against a glowing western sky. In apple blossom time it must be lovely here. But what about wintertime?
One day, according to Fabia, a few years ago, before Roger was born, he had an attack of acute appendicitis. It was deep winter. The snow lay heavy everywhere. Ruth was pregnant and none too well herself. At first she did not know what to do. She bundled him in warm clothing and put him on a cot near the stove. She shoveled the snow from their front door and practically carried the suffering man on her shoulders, dragging him through the newly made path towards the road where they waited for the U.S. Mail car to pass. Meanwhile snowflakes poured all over them and she kept rubbing the man's arms and legs as she herself nearly froze to death.
"Go back to the house, Ruth!" her husband cried, "you'll freeze to death."
But she clung to him wordlessly. Even as she massaged his arms and legs, her tears rolled down her cheeks. "I won't leave you," she repeated.
Finally the U.S. Mail car arrived. The mailman, who knew them well, helped them board the car, and, without stopping on his usual route, took the sick man and his wife direct to the nearest hospital.
Ruth stayed in the hospital with Fabia. She slept in a corridor outside the patients' ward and in the day time helped in scrubbing the floor and washing the dishes and cleaning the men's things. They didn't have enough money and Ruth was willing to work like a slave.
"Ruth's a nice girl," said Fabia, "like our own Filipino women."
Before nightfall, he took me back to the hotel. Ruth and Roger stood at the door holding hands and smiling at me. From inside the room of the shanty, a low light flickered. I had a last glimpse of the apple trees in the orchard under the darkened sky as Fabia backed up the car. And soon we were on our way back to town. The dog had started barking. We could hear it for some time, until finally, we could not hear it anymore, and all was darkness around us, except where the headlamps revealed a stretch of road leading somewhere.
Fabia did not talk this time. I didn't seem to have anything to say myself. But when finally we came to the hotel and I got down, Fabia said, "Well, I guess I won't be seeing you again."
It was dimly lighted in front of the hotel and I could hardly see Fabia's face. Without getting off the car, he moved to where I had sat, and I saw him extend his hand. I gripped it.
"Tell Ruth and Roger," I said, "I love them."
He dropped my hand quickly. "They'll be waiting for me now," he said.
"Look," I said, not knowing why I said it, "one of these days, very soon, I hope, I'll be going home. I could go to your town."
"No," he said softly, sounding very much defeated but brave, "Thanks a lot. But, you see, nobody would remember me now."
Then he started the car, and as it moved away, he waved his hand.
"Goodbye," I said, waving back into the darkness. And suddenly the night was cold like winter straying early in these northern woodlands.
I hurried inside. There was a train the next morning that left for Muncie, Indiana, at a quarter after eight.

Today

2010-09-20T02:57:00.000-07:00

Today is the day my new life begins.

Last week was a week of struggle and all that. I have been through a lot of sickness already, even worst than last week. I went home last week and stayed at home since Tuesday until Sunday. I was in front of the television the whole time. My Mama had to go to the office. My sister also worked. My two younger siblings were not also at home; they attended their classes. So, I was left alone at home from Tuesday till Friday, and I was in front of the television the whole time.

It was I guess on Wednesday that I happen to watch an episode of Grey's Anatomy that I was really moved. I watched an episode wherein a bunch of graduating college students had a car accident. There were eight of them. Only three made it; the rest died due to complications of the wounds that they got from the accident.

It was supposed to be their graduation day, and they were on their way to the graduation program when the accident happened. Worst, their class valedictorian was with them, and she was in a critical condition that she could not even move her body and was (base on what I saw) paralyzed because she could not feel that the doctor was already touching her leg.

The class valedictorian really panicked. She was so anxious to attend the graduation ceremony because she was supposed to give a speech that day. She was in a total panic and kept on repeating that she had to be at the graduation ceremony and that she had a speech to give. The doctor really pitied her and just kept on listening to whatever she had to say while doing the best that he could to save his patient. Later, the doctor just asked the college girl to just give her speech, and he will just listen while doing his job. The doctor listened to her speech.

Later that day, the doctor was so damned eager to save the life of that college girl that he cried so hard. He really pitied her. He saw how determined that girl was to be at her graduation. He saw the same eagerness he saw in the eyes of his girlfriend to be healed from her disease. His girlfriend who also used to work in that same hospital was now confined there as a patient.

With all of the cancer thingy and the accident, it just came up to me that we can not really predict what might happen next; thus, we have to enjoy every second of our lives. We have to savor everything that happens. That college girl said that what she did all her life was study, study, and study. She turned down every offer of fun by her classmates. She told herself that she will do everything she wants to do when she graduates, but see what happened? She ended up being paralyzed. How can she do the things that she wants to do now?

Thus, starting today, I'm gonna do whatever it is that i want to do...with care, of course. I will do just what is expected of a true citizen to do for her country.

"Today is the day my life begins. All my life, I've been just me, just an avid reader and writer of who-knows-what. Today, I become a lady. Today, I become a daughter. Today, I become a citizen.Today, I become accountable to someone other than myself. Today, I become accountable to my family, to our future...to all the possibilities that life has to offer. Together, whatever happens, i"ll be ready for anything, for everything... to take on life...to take on love, to take on a possibility and responsibility. Today, I'm gonna love life and live it well...because today...is the beginning."

This post is inspired by Grey's Anatomy Season 5.

Dangaga sa conditioner oi

2010-09-08T22:40:00.000-07:00

I went at a grocery store yesterday to buy a few loads of basic needs such as shampoo, detergent soap, noodles/canton, sopas, deodorant, energy drink, etcetera. I was uneasy to buy because Abby was with me, and I know for a fact that I am one hell of a shopper. It takes a lot of time for me to think over on which item to buy. And the fact that someone was with me made me feel uncomfortable because I was shy to keep her waiting. Although Abby was understanding enough and told me not to be shy and to take my time, it didn't lessen the uncomfortable feeling.

What I did was I just grabbed everything which i thought I needed. I grabbed them without looking at their labels. Just minutes after all the grabbing and loading, I was confident that I had all the things that I wanted for a few days.

Just this morning, when I was taking a bath, I discovered that I bought a conditioner instead of a shampoo. Whew! So here I am now...living a day of 'conditionered'. If only I checked the label...wa ta ko gaantus aning pagkapilitang buhok!
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Hayz..Sagdai na lang ang importante nakapanggrocery na ko!

Love to be home

2010-09-08T07:37:00.000-07:00

I miss home again although it has only been three days since I left it.

It is true that nothing can ever provide the comfort that home brings to anyone. Just last weekend, I went home from Dumaguete City, and when we had our dinner on a Sunday night, it just occurred to me that I still didn't want to go back in the city.

When I announced it over dinner, Mama was so supportive that she managed to say, "You can stay here as long as you want. Indi anay magbalik a." As much as I wanted to utter happiness and to celebrate for my supportive mother's remark, I couldn't. I wanted to stay at home (as in for a long time), but i could not escape the fact that I have subjects to attend to. I want to pass everything now, so I would get my diploma this march.

So, bisan pa naghambal si Mama nga pwede ko kapadugay sa balay, di gid japon pwede. I needed to go back in the city to pass all my remaining subjects. Antus lang anay, lapit na lang gid.

Hahays...I miss home already...AGAIN!
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This is the new interior design at home. Talented gid si Mama a.

It's nice seeing you again

2010-09-08T05:58:00.000-07:00

I love you.

I wanted to tell you this when, after four long years of not seeing each other, I met you just one and a half weeks ago. I just didn't know how to though.

Well, I found out from one of your social network accounts that you already have a special someone. I could really tell that you love each other, although I haven't met her yet. I didn't feel any kind of regret or something like that when I first knew about it. Pain? Well, maybe. I don't know.

I've treasured you for nine years now, and I'm still counting. (Haha). Funny, but true. It's been nine years, yes. I just don't how I couldn't let go of you no matter how hard I try. Or am I really trying? I don't know. Perhaps, yes. I've tried turning my attention to other guys, you know, but I guess it just won't work out. For how many times I've asked for God's intervention, so I would no longer feel this feeling towards you, but still nothing happened.

The feeling is still here...stuck inside me.

I wanted to write here that I was happy when I saw your photos with her, but I guess that would mean hypocrisy. I wasn't happy, honestly. When I saw the photos, I felt something cold touched me in my heart, and it was painful, as in really painful.
I'm not the type who cries over or gets haywired with this kind of stuff. Although I am hurt, I haven't cried a single tear, and I haven't been hysterical about it. At least, I haven't YET. I hope I won't.

Whew! I just want to shout at the moment, yet I haven't found the right place to shout at. I hope I can find one. Maybe, it will help. I mean, shouting...I hope it will help.
Again, I love you. I want to tell you this. Not now, maybe someday when we meet again. And when that someday comes, I hope to hear the same line from you.

I know

2010-02-09T02:37:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't updated my blog...guilty!

There has been nothing special going on in my life. Well, what else could be new? Aside from me wearing a simple t-shirt, jeans, and a pair of sneakers, nothing seems to be new.

Well, I'll be guilty as hell if I'll keep on updating and updating my blog without finishing some stuffs, so I guess, it's acceptable if I haven't and won't blog for a couple of weeks. I have a lot of things to do. As in, super-duper many! I have this school stuffs like research that need to be done. Well, I haven't even started some of them yet. Aside from that, I also have many responsibilities to attend to in the pub.

I'm currently working on my magazine article about drugs. I'm not supposed to blog because it's undone yet, but then this is the only chance I've got. The internet connection has been disconnected in the past weeks, and it might happen again. If I won't post anything in my blog account now, perhaps the next time that I can post something here will be next century(?). haha

wala ra

2009-12-18T20:06:00.000-08:00

I am supposed to post here my farewell message for Noriel and Arianne Ross, but i just realized: why do i need to say my farewell for them when we will still see each other anyways?

Well, i haven't posted anything here for more than a month now. During those times, I was busy with some stuffs. During those times, I missed the both of them. Hahayz...how i wish all of us here in the student publication need not to leave once we get to enter its door.

But then again, perhaps that's just how life is. Nothing remains constant in this world--even the date changes and even time...even the earth revolves. So, CHANGE is just meant to happen.

Yes! I guess change is very constant, especially when we talk about time. Hahayz...I need to stop blogging now 'cause we are about to go and continue with our outreach program. I'll make another post later. Bye for now!

choked.

2009-10-26T00:42:00.000-07:00

I admit that I made a mistake once, but don't I deserve a second chance?

What could be more hurtful than having parents who do not trust you? I mean, perhaps, they trust you in this and that but when you're already away from them, they keep on monitoring you. You have to tell them what's happening in your life every minute, every second. Even the smallest detail of your life, they must know. To some, this may sound sweet. To me, it's bugging. I'm choked, man! I feel so monitored. I feel so untrusted.

It's really painful to know the fact that though they have already forgiven me, they still don't trust me. Maybe, it's also my fault. I submitted into a lot of temptations before. I made stupid things that made their trust vanish. I mean, I can not really explain every detail of that stupid mistake I made. Let's just put it this way...I was a certified alcohol drinker, a smoker...before.

Behind my respectable and nice image in the present (aws..?) is a really dark past. It is real dark that I don't even wanna go back there, and I don't even wanna remember it.

I know I committed a mistake, but i think I deserve a second chance naman di ba? I feel bad whenever I think about it...whenever my parents would check on me. I feel bad whenever my mother would ask me if I've been drinking...if I've been smoking while I was away. I feel bad...in all those.

Because of the monitoring, I sometimes think, what if I drink and smoke real hard again? I mean, I don't wanna do it just for the sake of annoying or making my parents mad. Can you imagine how difficult it is to see a bottle of liquour, nor to see a person smoking? It's damn hard...really really hard. (It must be really stupid to hear this, but what can I do if this is what I feel.)

Sometimes, I see alcoholic drinks and I'm really tempted to try it again. But, I also ask myself, "Can I really handle it this time?", because if I can't, huwag na lang.

Sometimes, I'm also wishing....How I wish that I never committed the mistake before. How I wish that I never submitted to temptations. But then, what can I do? I can not turn back time and undone the wrong things that I've done.

But though I can't undone those things, I just hope that I can make my parents trust me again.

I'm tired.

2009-10-20T21:34:00.000-07:00

I haven't finished anything these past few days. Really.
But I feel so tired.

I wake up in the morning thinking of doing this and that, but I end up in front of the television set or the portable DVD watching Naruto and other movies. I sit in front of the computer and open my unfinished 'business' to have it done, but I end up just staring at it without adding anything to it at all. I plan to go to a certain place to do or buy something, but I end up just walking and thinking without noticing that I already passed by the place or the store that I planned to go to.

Really, I am feeling so lost. I feel that something is missing, and I can't seem to find it. I don't even know what it is in the first place. Perhaps, this is insanity...(?). What ever this is, I will figure this one out. And I will find a way to get out of this feeling.

I don't have anyone to tell my feelings with. Everybody seems busy with something. My adopted child, Lea, already went home. My Ate Cathy, my cousin and room mate, whom I haven't talk to for about three days now is always out to comply her requirements in the finals. My friends and former classmates are also busy.

Anyways, even if I will share or tell this to them, I don't think they can help me.

Hayzz...I just wanna lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling all day. I feel soo drained, super drained. I feel so empty. I feel so useless. I feel so...I don't know!

Maybe, this is the effect of the medicines which I'm taking. Yeah, maybe. But I'm not so sure.

Whatever this is, I know I can win over this one.

Happy now.

2009-10-19T02:55:00.000-07:00

You're such a big pain in the ass...but I'm glad I met you.

After such pag-eemote, we're friends again. I don't know I just can't take the wa'y tingganay scenes and the dedmahan effects. So that's it! We're friends again.

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Anyways another reason why I'm happy right now is I was able to gather a few information about my long lost 'secret' (no more to my friends) LOVE.

Just this weekend I went home. My sister and I had a quality time together. We talked about many things and that include things about our love life.

Speaking of love life, my sister told me that HE went home last September for his Mom's birthday. And because his parents and my parents are good friends (his papa and my mama were classmates back in high school), our whole family was invited. My sis told me that HE asked for my number. I was really very happy when my sister told me that. She even told me that HE texted me that night.

And that confused me. I did not receive any message from HIM.

She insisted that HE really texted me and that I did not reply. So, I insisted back saying that I really did not receive any message from HIM.

And so I just said, Okay na lang though it was not. Maybe, I erased his number. Yeah, maybe I erased it immediately because I have a habit of erasing messages coming from unknown numbers. Perhaps, I deleted His number. huhu..

Later I found out that my sister gave him a wrong phone number. Instead of 0919..., she gave HIM 0909.... Argh!

Anyways, that made me think that perhaps, we're not meant for each other. There are really a lot of factors that hamper our communication. huhu... But it's okay. Ika nga, "There's always light at the end of the tunnel." Yeah, maybe our roads will cross again one of these days.

Baka paglabas ko sa tunnel, there HE will be waiting for me..Aw? hehe... That's what I'm putting in my mind now, that's why I'm happy. But, of course, I'm not putting my hundred percent hope.

Hurt.

2009-10-15T18:39:00.000-07:00

You think you're the only one hurting..? I, too, am hurting.
In fact, I'm more than hurting...I'm bleeding.

I may sound unfair to you, but you're the one who started it all--from the lying to the banging of the door. You may not know this, and I don't have any plans of telling you, but I cried that night.

Yes, I cried. I cried because I was hurt, and I cried because I was more than hurt.

When I came from school that night, I was just joking when I acted I was mad at you. I guess you already know that, because I even smiled at Gigi, one of our boardmates, before I went upstairs to go to my room.

When I went inside my room, I immediately hang the headset in my ears. I couldn't hear a thing...just the sound of the music that I was listening to. I know that you know me as the kind of person who loves music sooo much that I could listen to the same song even the whole day.

That night, later did I know from my cousin, who's also my room mate, that you looked for me. So, I made a way to talk to you. I went outside my room and approached you. You were watching T.V. that time. I said my sorry and even made lambing to you. Suddenly, It surprised me when you got mad. You immediately stood up and I acted as if you were done watching. So, I held your arm to stop you from walking away, but itinabig mo naman yung kamay ko.

Doon pa lang, I was already hurt. But I continued to make amends with you and to make it up to you. You continued to walk away. When we reached your room, I was about to enter, but you banged the door. I was about to cry, but I saw Gigi. She was studying, and so I sat there for a while and I acted as if I wasn't affected.

Later, my cousin and groggy Onin came. The three talked, so I decided to get out of the scene. I immediately went inside my room, put on my eye-cover, and silently cried.

After that, I realized something. That was not the first time that I cried for a friend, but I always see to it that a friend is worth the tears before I spill some for him or HER.

These past two days has been a very difficult for me. I am not the usual me. I feel sooo incomplete. I mean, I dunno how to explain this.

the situation now is different. Now, you're the one making the move, but I don't know why I still can't accept what happened. Maybe, this is because I'm being childish. I don't know. Or, maybe, it's because what happened is still fresh in my heart and my memory.

But, I admit that you're one of the few persons who cared to break the fence which I placed around me.

It has only been four months that we know each other, but I feel like we've known each other for a lifetime. We became so close that I don't know why whenever I'm with you, I'm being so talkative...super talkative. Just one look at each others eyes, and we already know what each other is thinking. We laugh at the top of our lungs over something that others would not find it so funny. With just a smile, we already understand how each other feels.

I'm a busy (Kunohay) type of a person; thus, I don't usually stay at the boarding house. Before, I just stay there to take a bath and sleep. When I wake up, I immediately eat and take a bath, and go to school. I don't even know some of my boardmates. I was not close to them because I was like a shadow that immediately disappears after the sun-down.

There you came and changed my usual life. You turned my once quiet life into a jungle where wild creatures reside. You changed me. You made me laugh over simple things. You made me smile.

Before, I don't know how to take things easy. Now, I know how to smile and laugh without worrying about anything at all. No matter how problematic I am, you're always making me feel light.

Though we're not in good terms right now, I still am thankful that we met. I'm glad that our roads crossed. I'm glad having catch a BIG fish in such a big ocean. And I'm happy that among the many fishes in the ocean, it was you whom I caught.

I love you, and I'm still your Mommy Nhadz, no matter what.

A glimpse of anime

2009-10-09T20:30:00.000-07:00

The fever brought by the animes is indeed increasing. From mere one-year-old kids and teenagers to 30 and 50-year-olds and professionals, the fever can be felt.

Don't get surprised if I tell you that I'm one of the avid fans of these animated series. You can't blame me.

This may sound funny. Just weeks ago, one of the colleges in our university celebrated its Fun Day. The college had an anime party during their college night. Before their college night program started, my friends and I passed by the open court, the venue of the program. While we were passing, we saw that they painted some of the anime characters on a carton and placed them at their 'stage'.

We got so excited and happy to see some of our favorite anime characters. Well, nagpapicture mi eventhough the painting or drawig, if that's what you call it, were not really (sorry, just being honest) nice.

Here's some of our pictures taken that night.

(L-R) Roxanne, Sakura, Nadz, Mommy bea

Well, Sakura was there. Hekhek

Roroy, Roxanne, Cheeno, Naruto, arvin, Nadz, Mommy Bea

Who would not want to have a picture taken with Naruto? Hmm..? Anyone?
It doesn't totally look like him though.

Mommy Bea, Roxanne, Sasuke, Arvin, Nadz, Cheeno, Roroy

Sasuke-kun, also one of my favorites, looks soo hot and cool in any pictures.
______________________________________________________________

I'm not going to take back my words. That's my way of the ninja!

-Uzumaki Naruto
Naruto 2002

eXprEsSion

2009-09-28T02:24:00.000-07:00

I write to tell.

I write to speak.

I write to express.

The hell, I just write what's on my heart and mind.

-Nadz

________________________________________________________

I'm sorry Mama. I love you. -Nadz

Just this morning, I passed by Mama's newly made and decorated Christmas Tree. Yes, Christmas Tree. I know that it's too early to have a Christmas Tree, but we already have one.

This is the only year where we will celebrate the spirit of Christmas early. And that newly made and decorated Christmas Tree is a sign of it. This coming Yuletide season will be one the happiest moments that our family will be celebrating after 10 long years. My father will, at last, celebrate Christmas with us. And I really feel happy and excited about it.

Anyways, why am I saying sorry to my Mama here is because...I dropped the Christmas Tree.

It fell. The decoration was ruined. And because I was in a hurry this morning, I wasn't able to say sorry to Mama, and i really feel bad about it. The sad part was, it happened in front of her. She saw how it fell to the floor.

It wasn't exactly broken or somethin'. But the fact that she already decorated it, that must've been frustrating in her part. huhu.

I'm so sorry Mama. Hope I can make it up to you.

Success

2009-09-22T20:47:00.000-07:00

The grasses

They have grown

Dancing and jubilant.

-nAdz

Written above is a haiku, a form of Japanese poetry. I have learned about this in our two-day seminar titled "Our pen. Our life. Our sword." last September 20-21, 2009. I guess it's a good thing to blog out my learning in that seminar.

Anyways, i'll explain the haiku above.

In my almost three-year stay in The NORSUnian or TN, the institution which I have learned to love and cherish, I have noticed a lot of changes in me, in us. This is not a matter of 'pagbubuhat ng sariling bangko' but it is really true that a lot of things have changed in the publication...for good.

Not all Norsunians know that last year was one of the lowest points of TN. A lot of unexpected things happened. We were not able to publish for almost a semester. Some people, greedy as they are in nature, made ways to hamper the weekly publication of the paper. But, unfortunately for them and fortunately for us, they did not succeed.

Well, maybe they did. But it was just for a short span of time.

The battle which we thought has already ended, persisted. Just recently, TN faced another challenge. The people, who once hampered our weekly publication, struck again. And again, unfortunately for them and fortunately for us, they lost.

We know that they will continue to strike. And we, journalists as we are, will continue to fight for what we think is right. The publication which they once thought as an easy opponent will no longer allow them to stop it from voicing out what the students of this institution should know.

Though they have thrown us a lot problems last year, the people who once challenged us deserve a thank you. Yes, I think they deserve it. They taught us to fight fairly, though others do not. They taught us to stand up with what we think is right.

When they will strike again, that I don't know. But one thing is for sure, We will be ready for the next battle. We have learned our lesson, and we will not let them hamper us again.

We have won over them twice already. And we will not hesitate to do it for the third time...

and for the fourth...

for the fifth...

for the sixth...

until they totally vanish in our way.

Untitled sah ni...

2009-09-15T00:40:00.000-07:00

I guess this is just me being selfish.

Yes, I know. We don’t own you. We don’t have the right to interfere in whatever decisions you have in life.

It’s just that things here will not be the same without you. It will never be the same.

I guess I was just choked by my expectations. I expected that you will stay longer. I expected and anticipated that you will stay until ‘it’ ends. And suddenly, you tell me (and some) that you….

Hayz… I can’t tell you how sad I am because of that decision you’ve made. But then again, I can’t tell you what I feel about it because you might change your mind. You might not pursue that decision. And I don’t want you to just stay because of us.

Of course, you know that I always want what’s best for you and for your happiness. And if you think that that decision will make you happy, then go! Find your happiness, for your happiness is also our happiness.

For now, this is what I can say. I have to keep my mouth shut.

That RAT!

2009-09-12T03:27:00.000-07:00

The RAT

Argh....I hate her.

Yesterday, we had our College Fun Day. Oh, may i correct that? I guess I can call it College MISERY Day after that RAT ruined that supposed to be enjoyable day for us.

Well, well, well...who am I talking about here is our one-big-supportive department head. She and her husband, the f*cker-monster, ruined it all!

Wanna know why i call her the RAT? Well here's the story.

Just a while ago, Arianne and I went to a movie house. Before we went there, I bought me seven munchkins and softdrink which I placed just beside my seat. As we waited for the movie to start, we chatted about anything under the sun.

We were enjoying our conversation when a big rat passed by. Arianne told me that she even lifted her feet because she saw that it was too big. Funny...because as I turned to grab a munchkin, I was shocked to see that the plastic of munckins was moving.

The RAT took all my munchkins, leaving me with nothing but only the softdrink. She even took the plastic with her.

And so, that's it that's how I got the idea of calling our department head a RAT. Just like the rat, mudawat ra siya'g limpyo!

Music illiteracy

2009-09-08T07:19:00.000-07:00

Have we really lost our knowledge in music?

Just this morning in my Humanities class, our professor invited a guest speaker. The guest speaker talked about music, music, and nothing but music. And as a music lover, of course, I got interested in the discussion.

But it wasn't really the topic that captured my interest; it was his introduction that hooked me. "We are now suffering from music illiteracy." That was what he said in our class. And that made me think...is the present generation really undergoing 'music illiteracy'?

In my Philosophy class, I have learned that there is only one concrete answer in every yes-or-no question. Obviously, it's either 'yes' or 'no'. But, I guess this one is an exception because honestly...

If we would really observe the music nowadays, we will notice that not all songs are worth listening for. No offense meant to some music fanatic out there. (Anyways, I guess no one will be offended 'cause I'm not stating any specific music genre here.)

I admit that I'm a certified music lover. But it doesn't mean that I appreciate any kind of music. I mean, it depends on the kind of music, and sometimes, it also depends on the accompanied lyrics.

Let me state this as an example. Just three weeks ago my brother sang this new song from a new group of rappers discovered through the internet via youtube.com. It was a really nice song; the kind of song which they call 'singable'. It has a pretty nice beat. As he was singing the song, my mother came in and heard him.

"Are you insulting your sisters?" That's what she said. And it made me think. No matter how beautiful the beat of the song is, one cannot fully appreciate it if its lyrics is not that nice. And, vice-versa.

And honestly, there are a lot of songs in the present that are of this kind.

Well, I just hope that no matter how long the time will change, we will not lose our knowledge in music and will continue to love it.

Missing You

2009-09-01T07:35:00.000-07:00

"I miss you...to the point of death!"
-Hana Yori Dango's Gu Jun Pyo to Geum Jan Di

No matter how i try to forget you and totally erase you in my mind, your face and voice keep lingering on me.

I hate to say this but i really hate this feeling. I hate it because I always lose. I hate it because my brain can't win over my heart. I hate it because when it comes to this 'feeling' I'm a loser, and I think I'll always be.

Well, maybe this is what love is all about...LOSING. Perhaps, one day, i'll also win, and will totally forget my feelings for you. Perhaps....

How i wish we were Geum Jan Di and Gu Jun Pyo. We would've had a happy ending despite the challenges and hindrances. Both of us would've won. But then, we're not them. We're different persons, and we have a different story.

Well, if i'll summarize this write-up, isa lang naman ang gustong tumbukin nito, e.

One thing: I MISS YOU... (And just like Gu Jun Pyo) TO THE POINT OF DEATH!

Where are you Ma'am Cabanban?

2009-07-06T19:23:00.000-07:00

Where in the world is Ma'am Cabanban?

Huhu...I don't like what's happening in my Humanities141 subject. During the first, second, third, fourth and fifth meetings in this class, it was Ma'am Cabanban who was teaching us.

Just this morning, Ma'am Cabanban did not show up. It was already 9:24 so my classmates started going out of our classroom. Supposedly, our class started at 8 o'clock in the morning. But Mich, my classmate in this subject, and I just stayed there because we were waiting for her friend who also have a class in the next room.

While we were waiting, Sir Elmido showed up and told us that he will be teaching the subject from now on for whatever reason. And I don't like him.

Well, it's not that i like Ma'am Cabanban. Forgive me, but she is sooo boring when teaching. You know what I did when I was having a class with her? I just counted the number of times that she uttered the word 'etcetera'. Sometimes, Mich and I were talking secretly because if we will not talk to each other, for sure, we would end up sleeping!

Anyway, the reason that I don't want Sir Elmido to handle this subject is because I was once under his class. The subject was Sociology. And would you believe it? He did not submit our grades at the Registrar's Office, not even at Dean's Office nor at the SocScie Department's Office. So, I was forced to retake the subject and pay 600 pesos in order for me to enroll.

That's the reason why I don't want him to teach Humanities. I want Ma'am Cabanban...

Hayz...but I don't think that Ma'am Cabanban will still be our teacher.huhu. Well, wherever she is right now, I just hope that she's fine.

Goodbye Cabanban! Hello Emido! Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!!! Hate it!

What will I write?

2009-07-05T19:06:00.000-07:00

Yah! What will I write? What exactly will I write?

Well, to tell you honestly...I DON"T KNOW. hehe. It's just that I want to make a new post for my blog. Anyway, I have to write more so that this post will be longer. hehe. But I am not in the mood of writing. So, i will just finish or post again later.

It's nice to hear from you

2009-06-18T04:18:00.000-07:00

I don't know why i feel so alive whenever i read your mails. Whenever i read them, it's as if we are not just mailing each other. It seems as if i talk to you in person.

February 4, 2009 marked the day when we first gained communication after several years of not hearing from each other. Somehow, I felt the awkwardness in the first week of exchanging mails with you but as we continue to do so, the said feeling slowly vanished...and was replaced with excitement and happiness.

We are getting along well. And honestly, i don't know where this will bring us...I'm not expecting nor hoping anything though. I am happy as to where our relationship is right now.

I just hope that no matter what happens, we'd still be friends and I mean not just friends...but best of friends. Wherever you are right now, I just want you to know that I reserve a special place for you in my heart. I just hope that you are doing the same thing.

i miss my dating kakosas

2009-06-17T04:57:00.000-07:00

i miss you guys....

That's the only thing that i feel right now. Ahh...i miss my friends...my friends who used to care for me...my friemds who always asked me "Kakaon ka na, Nadz?" whenever its lunch nor dinner time...my friends who always cared for me when i was always sick...my friends who used to lend me money in times of poorness.

I can still remember the times when we used to borrow money from each other in order for us to survive coz there were times when our allowances were delayed. I also remember when we went to our 'Kusina' (Fudnet) spending only Php20.00 per meal. Haha! T'was really funny coz most people would think of it as a place where class people would eat and would not expect that one can already eat there having Php20.00 only in there pockets (may libre pa nga sabaw!hehe).

Ah, well...that was only three months ago. But i don't feel sad coz i still have a lot of friends left here and i don't feel that i totally lost them coz somehow i know that whenever i need them (and vice versa) they're just a text away.

Perhaps, in their busy lives, they also feel the same.

i'm back, i'm sooo back!

2009-05-27T01:03:00.000-07:00

It’s been over five months now since I last created a post in this account. I promised myself not to write anything unless the summer vacation is over. And now that summer’s over, here comes my first post for this school year…haha! So guys, be ready coz from now on, I promise to be active on this site!

Uh-huh. You’ve read it write. I will be active on this site no matter what(Hehe). Well, unlike before when i wasn't that active(FYI, i just made this account because we were obliged to make one for the student pub), i will try my best to publish posts from time to time from now on.

So good luck to me!weehh...

a bestfriend in love

2008-11-18T05:55:00.000-08:00

Lucky

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Oooohhhhoohhhhohhooohhooohhooohoooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music, feel the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Hayzzz… this song… it reminds me of someone whom I have been secretly loving for almost five years now, my best friend.

Years have passed and yet his memories remain in my heart. I don’t know why. You see, he’s the only person I have ever loved (aside from my family and friends of course!) and I doubt if I can ever erase him in my heart and replace him. How I wish I could do that. How I wish that replacing him would be as easy as erasing writings on a black board. How I wish….

But it’s not as easy as that. Forgetting him, nor replacing, has become a struggle for me. A lot of times, I forced myself to forget him and totally erase him in my mind…but I always fail!

Until now, he’s still the one….

And until now, he still doesn’t know how I feel towards him….

I don’t have any plans of telling him either. What for? I survived without telling him before. How much more now that he’s leaving for states...?

Just a song...

2008-10-08T21:16:00.001-07:00

Knocking On Heavens’ Door

Avril Lavigne

Oooh Oooh Oooh

Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah...

Mama take this badge off me,
I can't use it anymore,
It's getting dark, too dark to see,
Feels like I'm knockin' on heavens' door,

Knock knock knocking on heavens' door,
Knock knock knocking on heavens' door,
Knock knock knocking on heavens' door,
Knock knock knocking on heavens' door,

Mama put my guns in the ground,
I can't shoot them anymore,
That long black cloud is coming down,
Feels like I'm knockin' on heavens' door,

Knock knock knocking on heavens' door,
Knock knock knocking on heavens' door,
Knock knock knocking on heavens' door, yeah, yeah
Knock knock knocking on heavens' door,

Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah...

2008-09-29T08:35:00.000-07:00

I think I just lost a friend…

“I really feel bad right now but I don’t care. I know that all of these will just pass.”

Never in my entire life have I confronted a friend. That was the first time that I did that. That was the first time that I told a person—in front of his face—that I hated him! And believe me, it was not that easy.

You know this feeling of hating somebody? As in, hating him that you don’t want to even talk to him or just be near him, or even look at him? I have experienced that, to him! Well, maybe my reasons were too shallow for him. Maybe, he found me too sensitive, too emotional and over reacting that I considered those little things as big as the mountains.

The hell I care! What can I do if that was what I felt during those times? I mean, he can’t blame me for being too emotional and OA—to the max! That’s me. That’s just my nature. And I will never be me if not for the personality that I have right now.

I’m not saying that I was or am right. It’s just that I wanted to give him my side. I wanted to make things clear for the both of us. I wanted to let him know how I felt during those times, and I accept that I was not right all the time. I accept that I also committed mistakes. That’s why I said “I’m sorry” to him.

I did not say those words just to make things light for the both of us. I said “I’m sorry” because I was really sorry. I know, I was being selfish thinking about ‘my’ feelings only. I did not put into consideration other people’s feelings. Perhaps, my classmates’, my friends’ and also his feelings…and I’m sorry for that.

Actually, I was not able to tell him everything. I did not have the chance to tell him other things that made me hate him. Honestly, I don’t want to tell him anymore. What’s done is done! I just have to burry everything. I just have to forget about it—forget about the hatred that I had for him.

It was just too hurtful when he said “You were like a sister to me”. That was really an ‘Ouch!’ I didn’t expect that. It hurts to lose a friend, especially if you once considered that friend as one of the bestest. And I accept that I once considered him as one of ‘em. I even promised him that I will try my best to be worthy of his friendship. But see what happened? It turned out a failure! I was not able to prove him that….

Well, there’s nothing to prove anymore. And I’m sorry for not sticking to my promise. As expected, that promise would be broken. And it just did.

I don’t expect that everything will be back to normal after that. Honestly, I don’t want it to go back to normal. I intend to close my door—even my windows—to him or to anyone who intends to break in and wants to get my friendship. It’s not that I still hate him. It’s just that nothing can ever get that back! And my decision is final!

I know that from the time I said “Please, leave…” that was the end of it. I’m not saying that I will snob him or something. It’s just that I don’t want the friendship that we had before… I don’t want it back. I’m sorry to say this but I think I like what I am feeling right now.

And let it be this way….

2008-09-28T07:57:00.001-07:00

What is wrong with me?

I’m really annoyed of my self right now.

I’m procrastinating.

I haven’t finished anything but then I have been feeling so exhausted.

I am tired of doing the things that I usually do.

I am missing my family so much!

I don’t want to go out with my classmates but I miss them.

I just want to sleep all day but I’m not doing it.

I can’t sleep because when I am about to close my eyes, lots of things are starting to get into my mind.

I hate this person but don’t have the guts to confront him.

I hate him but I don’t have the guts to show him the intensity of my abhorrence.

I can’t control my temper anymore.

I’m becoming so impatient.

I’m starting to be showy when it comes to my emotion.

I think I don’t know myself anymore.

I am starting to be back to my old self.

I am doing what I know is wrong.

I just can’t control myself from doing evil things.

I am prone to temptations right now.

I really need God in my life.

I really need His guidance and supervision right now.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I just don’t know what to prioritize.

I don’t even know if I still have my priorities.

I don’t even know why I’m doing this.

I don’t know…

I really don’t know.

I think I need a break….

I think I need a rest….

I think I need a nap….

I think I need a….

I think I need….

I think I….

I think….

I….

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz…